


Brick

by pfeifferpack



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 05:07:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 10,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6142444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pfeifferpack/pseuds/pfeifferpack
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>At the end of S7 Lies My Parents Told Me  Buffy lying on her bed thinking of every time Giles has let her down, betrayed her. Late in the night, after everyone has fallen asleep, she makes her way down to the basement to talk to Spike because she can’t keep the anger and hurt she is feeling to herself. While talking with the vampire, she comes to another realization: that Spike is the only one she can vent to and she can count on no matter what.</p><p> </p><p>Written 2013 in reply to a prompt that is shown in the summary</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

A/N Occasional bits of dialogue from the series will be used from a variety of episodes written by Joss Whedon, Rebecca Rand Kirshner, Doug Petrie, David Fury, Drew Goddard, Marti Noxon et al.

 

Chapter 1

 

The sound of Giles’ footsteps stilled as Buffy stood, her back to her closed bedroom door. She hadn’t been this numb in close to a year! The hard journey from depression to the hopes and plans of just this past summer seemed a thing of memory only. She’d beaten the devil within only to have Giles, of all people, return dragging the depression demon with him and setting up camp in her home, her citadel. She was proud of how well she had been coping with all the extra mouths and the relentless attacks from a foe she couldn’t simply stake or behead. She had even adjusted to the new cool-to-the-point-of-cold, Giles, who made a revolving door out of her front door lately. Giles the betrayer--that was new…or was it?

There, in the dark, Buffy could almost imagine the house, HER house, empty and at peace. All the Potentials slept at last and the other uninvited boarders and houseguests whispered like ghosts, if they spoke at all. No doubt they did, given how this night had ended. 

She could still see the disapproving and shocked gazes from Giles and the teenage girls he had her sheltering. Buffy knew well that Giles would expect her to come around in time. After all, she had forgiven him for suggesting they kill Dawn when facing the seemingly unstoppable force that had been Glory; even admitting tonight that his horrible suggestion had merit in hindsight. 

 

This time he had gone from suggestions to covert actions, taking the decision upon himself and expecting her to merely fall in line. He’d made it clear he thought her irresponsible, stupid even. He hadn’t bothered to consider her reasons for keeping Spike close, letting him help. Giles had totally dismissed her judgment regarding Spike altogether.

The looks of disappointment from her two best friends no longer hurt. Will and Xan no longer voiced their doubts and fears. At least now they withheld their words of warning, reminders of ancient mistakes. Now they only gave side glances and the odd sigh. Buffy was long used to this; it barely registered. They meant well, she reminded herself, and they did have some reason for the worry, she generously supposed. At least they had stopped trying to control her, to force the issues; no more taking matters into their own hands.

She eased her weary body onto the mattress and let out a deep sigh. Here in her only remaining fortress of solitude, she thought back on the man who she had once thought of as a surrogate father.

Buffy,I understand your anger. Please believe me, we did what we…,” 

Oh, yeah, she just bet he understood, as in not. Giles didn’t understand many things about her, even after all these years. Buffy didn’t betray those who had been her friends. She didn’t take the word of people she’d only met that day against those who had proven their loyalty. She didn’t sacrifice people she lov…. Oh, yeah, that was the biggest not-understanding right there. No one understood the confusing but real dynamics between this particular vampire and her. Not even she did, really. They had all seemed to get Angel, but never Spike.

After she let Giles know his plot failed and Spike was still undusty, he had stiffened and acted as if she had done something sneaky and wrong, not him.

Well, that doesn’t change anything. What I told you is still true. You need to learn…,” 

Oh, she had learned. Betcha by golly wow, she’d learned. She was the leader, she was the Chosen, but she couldn’t be trusted to make the important calls. She was strong and smart enough to be left to fend for herself when only a few months out of her grave and in deep depression, but not smart or strong enough to know who her allies were! Able to handle the Hellmouth and world save-age all alone, but she still needed basic lessons! 

Once upon a time, she would have cried. Giles was closer to her heart than many people, like the father she’d longed to have for so long. His good opinion had always been important to her and she had relied on his advice and knowledge more than any other single person, in some ways more than her mom.

In the beginning, she had distrusted Giles. He was just another representative of the same group who had turned her life upside down and rearranged all her plans.

She could see him now, all tweeded up and awkward, “A Slayer slays, a Watcher..,”

“Watches?”

“Yes! No! He trains her, he, he, prepares her.”

“Prepares me for what? For getting kicked out of school? For losing all my friends? For having to spend all my time fighting for my life and never getting to tell anyone because I might endanger them? Go ahead, prepare me.”

It would have hurt less if they had left it at that: her slaying, him watching. Before the year was out, he had changed. She remembered how he had tried to take her place in the battle with The Master. How she had to knock him out lest he go to die in her place.

”I’m not going to send you out there to die. I’ve waded around in these old books for so long I’ve forgotten what the real world is like. It’s time I found out.”

“You’re still not going up against the Master.”

“I’ve made up my mind.”

“So have I.”

“I made up mine first! I’m older and wiser than you, and just do what you’re told for once!”

That had been a turning point, the moment she let him fully into her heart. He wasn’t just going to be sending her out to fight the good fight; this one man was going to be at her side. He cared! 

She would never have believed that things could change so drastically between them. Not after all the shared grief, shared battles, built up trust.

It was his support after Angel had lost his soul that had marked him as a beloved father figure though. While everyone else, including Buffy herself, had blamed all the carnage Angelus had created on her, Giles had stood by her and seemed to understand. 

She remembered the shame she had felt at letting her first love unleash the monster that was Angelus. People died. Her friends couldn’t understand why she had let her personal desires put them all in jeopardy. Giles alone had stood by her unquestioningly. He had even taken her side when her anger had lashed out at poor Jenny Calendar, even though Giles had already begun to fall in love with that lady himself!

She had expected a lecture from Giles, disappointment and recriminations. Instead he had calmly shown her more support that her hurting heart could have ever wanted, and many would say more than she deserved. 

She had sobbed that it was all her fault, all that death and danger.

”No I don’t believe it is. Do you want me to wag my finger at you and tell you that you acted rashly? You did and I can. I know that you loved him and he has proven more than once that he loved you.” 

She had steeled herself for the lecture, like the one he had given her tonight about Spike while betraying him--and her too, for that matter. Back then he had come through, been her solid brick.

“You couldn’t have known what would happen. The coming months are going to be hard, I suspect on all of us. But if it’s guilt you’re looking for, Buffy, I’m not your man. All you will get from me is my support and my respect.”

If he had half that attitude now she wouldn’t have shut him out as she had tonight. Back then she hadn’t done all that much to earn his respect, but over the years she sure had! Over and over, apocalypse after apocalypse, and even dying twice should have finally settled that matter. 

As for the support…well, that turned out to be as changeable as weather. When Giles needed to dump responsibility on her, to have her jump into danger, then he was all supporto-boy. When she made choices he didn’t agree with…well, that was another kettle of kittens altogether!

When did it change? When did her brick of a dad turn into just another brick in the wall around her heart?

*** 

Giles looked somber and distracted as he nearly collided with the vampire at the base of the staircase. Spike took some delight in the smell of fear off the old man when he saw who he had nearly run into. Spike merely stalked past him and headed through to the kitchen. 

Giles hadn’t said a word and Spike guessed that he had already been informed that the little plot with the teacher had failed. Too bad, that! He’d have enjoyed seeing real terror on the old git’s face, wondering if Principal Earrings were bleeding to death somewhere or if Spike’s trigger was going to go off just in time to wreak a bit of vengeance.

He’d glared at the rest of the crew gathered in the kitchen until all but Willow and Xander had suddenly decided it was well past bedtime. Without a word to either Scooby, he’d marched to the fridge and grabbed a couple of bags of blood to heat up. Just let them say something! He had as much right to be there as they did. Buffy wanted him there.

In truth he was a bit surprised that the boy hadn’t said something nasty. He’d given him a raised eyebrow and puzzled look, then returned to his conversation with Will. Guess not everyone was part of the “Let’s Stake Spike Club”. Spike would have expected Xander to have been at least Vice-President.

By the time the microwave dinged and his dinner was ready, most of the raging fury had abated. It had been a long night already and he had some healing to do to be fit for whatever the First threw their way. Frankly, he was tired.

The soul made it harder to ignore what others were feeling. Not just Wood; that he got, even without the soul. What the righteous principal didn’t get was the Slayer/Vampire dynamic. Those fights, those kills, weren’t the regular kind. Those were battles between equals fighting on different sides of the neverending war between good and evil. Even after the soul, he’d never felt the same remorse over those two deaths as he had the casual kill for food or sport. Still, losing a mum when he was just a tyke would naturally make for a different viewpoint on that. That’s why Spike had given him that pass, he did understand.

He also made sure Wood understood him. He wasn’t some bleedin’ martyr just standin’ back lettin’ him shove a cross in his heart as payback for a long ago sin. Spike took enough blood to emphasize that point to everyone’s satisfaction. Wood would either live with the facts, fight at their side, or he’d be taken out. Spike wasn’t about to let the grudge held by the son of a Slayer put the current Slayer’s war in jeopardy. Buffy was going to win this one, no matter what it cost him, and if he had to take out Wood along the way, he’d deal with the conscience pangs.

He knew the baby would-be Slayers feared him. Couldn’t help but smell it or see it in the way most of them avoided him whenever possible. Even the mouthy one who had glommed onto the still fragile Willow didn’t want to take him on by herself.

Harris and Red had their reasons to give him a wide berth. They had history. He supposed he should let them know that the trigger was definitely gone. It wouldn’t make him their new best friend but it might make things a little easier for all of them in the cramped house.

Oh, yeah, he knew what they were thinking and feeling! None of it mattered, not really. Only thing he cared about was what Buffy was thinking and feeling and tonight he could see she had panicked thinking she might be too late. He would have wondered who she was most worried about, him or Wood, if he hadn’t heard what she’d said to the principal.

That was his girl alright! The mission was the main thing and she understood completely that Spike was at her side and, if he had to, ready to dust to make sure she won.

Spike nearly laughed as he washed out the cup and put it back in its place. His mum would have been proud of his good manners. Actually he’d only begun to care about such things when he saw how many of the houseguests did little to ease Buffy’s many burdens and he’d be damned if he’d lay even an extra cup washing more of work on her shoulders. Okay, he was damned anyway, but the thought was real all the same.

He headed for the basement, not expecting to get much of a kip but knowwing he needed to try. Tomorrow was going to be another day of waiting and training and his sleep schedule was being forced to mesh with a house filled with humans. Wouldn’t do to be less than fit for the battle to come. Buffy deserved his best; God knew she’d had his worst.

By the time he reached the cot at the bottom of the stairs, he’d already lost his lightened heart over the cup and the burning rage at the betrayal and near assassination. He’d been avoiding thinking about his mum and all that had been revealed this night. Picturing her gentle smile as he washed up had brought it all back.

It seemed that even when he tried his very best to do the right things for the right reasons, it always blew up in his face. He’d sired his mum to make her feel well again, to be happy again and not dying a slow and painful death. That worked well!

He’d tried to help Buffy when she’d been brought back from the grave. Another failure remarkable in its size and fallout! Of all his many and varied sins, both as a man and a demon, those were the worst. He’d killed his mother twice, possibly damned her sweet soul in the process and he’d nearly raped the only woman he ever truly loved. There weren’t fires hot enough in hell to pay for those two sins alone.

He’d loved his mother with everything he had been. She had been the only person to ever fully accept him and love him without seeing the gawky, socially inept man he’d grown into. They had been alone against the world for years before he met Dru that fateful night. 

After the things his beloved mother had said after he turned her, he had lost his entire sense of security, his self worth, the whole view of his life till then had been turned on its head.

“Suppose I should thank Wood for that, at least.” Spike shook his head at the irony. He’d taken Wood’s mother from him and now these many years later Wood had, in a sense, given back to Spike his lost mother. “Maybe I’ll give him at least one other free pass for that. Not that I’ll tell him, ‘m not stupid after all.”

From the look of things, Buffy hadn’t been happy with Giles over the attempt made on his life tonight. “Let him know it too,” he thought in amazement. He never would have imagined Buffy siding with him over Giles! Man was like her own parent, only one she had left. 

Spike frowned. Buffy didn’t need to lose any more people who mattered to her, and certainly not on his account. He might want to see the back of Rupert Giles, but Buffy loved him, needed him. Spike saw that last year when Giles had swanned out of her life, leaving Buffy with a right mess to deal with. That was when she really started to fall apart.

There was a time when driving a wedge between Buffy and her Watcher was one of his favorite evil plots! To one-up the old man and have Buffy choose him was the stuff of dreams. He’d taken great satisfaction playing all of them off one another when he was still working on being the Big Bad. That was then. This is now. 

Buffy believed in him, and Spike needed to be the better man. She needed all her resources, needed her heart as whole as possible, and that meant having Rupes on hand and on board. It wasn’t likely they were all going to come out of this alive, and if making sure Buffy was still breathing at the end meant playing Band of Brothers with Giles and Wood, he’d do it without a complaint.

 

*** 

Buffy stared at the ceiling as the memories flooded her mind. It was just before she died when it all changed both times. The first time he won her love and loyalty by wanting to face The Master in her place. The second time he started the change from supporting her and accepting her decisions by suggesting they might need to kill Dawn.

Up until that battle with Glory, she had always seen Giles as her right hand. He was there for the decisions, deferring to her even when she was just a flighty teen. He was there in the fights, even if he ended many of them with a concussion. He was there offering his advice and knowledge, as well as a quiet affection that she could feel. He was her brick! Giles was solid and real and always to be relied upon, the father who stayed. Until….

”Buffy, the only way is to kill Dawn.”

“I don’t wanna hear it.”

“I understand that”

“NO! NO, you don’t understand. We are not talking about this.”

“Yes, we bloody well are! If Glory begins the ritual, if we can’t stop her….”

“Come on, say it. We’re bloody well talking about this. Tell me to kill my sister.”

“She’s not your sister.”

True or not, it didn’t matter. Dawn was and always would be her sister, more than that. Buffy couldn’t put into words all that Dawn represented to her. She was sister, daughter and even, in a way, her best self. Dawn was the future that Buffy likely would never get to have. 

“If the ritual starts, then every living creature in this and every other dimension imaginable will suffer unbearable torment and death, including Dawn.”

“Then the last thing she’ll see is me protecting her.”

That was the moment. She might have noted it more had she not died that night. When she came back she was too messed up to think about anything, to sus anything out, but that was the moment. No more trusting Buffy’s judgment. No more supporting her decisions. She couldn’t remember Giles really ever returning to the way they used to be, not after that night.

Then again, when she came back, he hadn’t stuck around long enough for her to tell. 

She remembered the singing demon and how Giles sent her off to face him alone. He refused to come along to help rescue Dawn. Even if they had all shown up anyway, he’d sent her into that battle feeling even more lost and adrift. She was lost and adrift already and he knew it!

She had always just chalked it up to Giles trying to make her feel confident again, but looking back on it she wondered. The Giles of the early years would never have put that on her, not in the condition she was in already.

He was distancing himself long before he got on that plane to England. The Watcher headed back to Watcher Land. He’d come back every bit as Watchery as Quentin Travers ever had been; tonight proved that.

Oh, yes, he’d taught her all she needed to know. Taught her that, when push came to shove, there was no one but herself she could count on. In the end, she really was the One, the “one girl in all the world” just like they said in the introduction to slaying. She would slay and he would watch. He would tell her she had to make the “tough choices”, leave, then undermine those choices she made. Taught her he would trust the plan of a guy he just met over hers. Taught her that bricks can crumble.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Buffy blinked back a tear as she remembered the year she would not wish on her worst enemy. Coming back from that place of peace and rest and feeling…done had been the very definition of hell. To have things looking like hell and a mountain of problems and responsibilities on top of that was just far too much. Buffy wondered if anyone remembered how young she still was, how few people her age had anywhere near the burdens she carried on a daily basis.

Maybe that’s why she was drawn to Spike when she was pulled back here. He always seemed to get her. With him, she hadn’t needed to pretend, to put on a show of being okay. The only time she relaxed at all during those horrible months was in his company. That’s what made how it all ended so tragic. She and Spike had connected and then it all just blew up and they became brutal with one another. Forgiving him had been easy, really, since she’d been on the same ride as him and knew the full story of their messed up affair. 

Maybe if Giles had stayed until she had found her feet again things would have been different, even between her and Spike. They had started to build a real friendship that might have led to something healthy, even with him being soul-free.

Giles knew how fragile she was before he left for England and the peace and freedom denied to her. He knew the problems with her friends, with Dawn and with being an instant mom to a teenager. What girl her age had to think about mortgages and parent-teacher conferences? How many her age had to deal with Child Protective Service visits or the dating choices of a kid under her care? 

He also knew that her slaying had forced her to drop out of college and that the job skills left to her didn’t lead to a great career buffet. 

All of that on top of daily world save-age and at least one annual apocalypse seemed a bit much to ask anyone to handle well. 

He’d been there when her mom died, saw how it gutted her. Buffy hadn’t even had time to grieve since they were hip deep in fighting Glory for Dawn’s life and the continuance of the world. He’d seen her crawl so far into herself that she could have been lost forever when Glory took Dawn. Then came blessed release! A life finished and duties accomplished, or so it should have been. She had earned that, and it had been ripped from her.

Maybe if she hadn’t died she could have started to deal with all the problems and grief. Maybe if she didn’t know with certainty that there was a better place and she had been there, it would have been easier. Maybe if her father figure had suggested she get some help in coping she would have done a better job of it too. He was the adult, after all, with all that adult wisdom they love to tell you comes with the gray hair.

No, all he had said was that she had to be strong and that he didn’t want to leave. He left anyway. Gave her a fine speech about how she would turn to him whenever something came up and that he’d step in because he didn’t like to see her suffer. “Yeah, I think the suffering he was avoiding was his own,” she scowled.

Of course she would have turned to him! Wasn’t part of his job as Watcher and stand-in daddy to be there to teach her how to deal? Not shove her out of the nest and watch her go splat.

Maybe if she wasn’t already clinically depressed…oh, yeah, Buffy had read plenty of magazine articles on the subject to see herself in them…no, he simply told her to be strong and then walked out.

She felt herself shut down when he left. It was a physical experience as that last brick went up around her heart. She couldn’t blame her mom for leaving; it wasn’t like she had the aneurism just to get away from Buffy after all. 

Hank was another matter. He not only disappeared but made sure Buffy felt at least partially responsible, since he never cleared the air from the things said at their last meeting. No calls or cards since he moved on either. 

Angel? Well, Angel just moved on too, didn’t he? Why had he not even tried to find a way for them to be together? His soul was bound by magic; couldn’t he have tried to find a way for magic to keep the soul from ever disappearing again? Spike GOT his soul for her and to make sure he would never hurt her again. Angelus would never have done that. Spike came back too, even though he had to suspect she might want to greet him with a sharp piece of wood.

Riley left as well; they all did. “Suck it up, Buffy. You’re so strong, Buffy. You’ll be fine, Buffy. You need to stand on your own feet and make the tough calls, Buffy.” Then they walked away. She hadn’t expected it of Giles though.

That was kind of funny, really. She could almost see a giant “V” shape with Giles on one side and Spike on the other. See Giles being there for her, understanding her and taking her side but less and less until the bottom when he abandoned her at last. Around the same time Spike had gone from the bottom, trying to kill her and being a pain in her neck to standing at her side when no one else wanted to. From fighting her to fighting for her. From making her life harder to trying at least to making it easier. He didn’t leave; she couldn’t get rid of him even when she tried! He’d just keep coming back even now.

“I don’t know what I would have done if Wood had killed him tonight,” she shuddered at the thought.

“Hope he came home, not that I’d blame him if he didn’t.”

Buffy suddenly needed to see Spike for herself, make sure he wasn’t too badly injured and wasn’t too angry about being set up.

The house was quiet and she doubted if anyone would get in her way if she decided to go and check for herself. Wiping her eyes, she set out for the basement to check on her vampire for herself.

***

It looked like at least one other person was still awake. Dawn sat with a cup of tea and a concerned look on her face. Something major had happened tonight and, as usual, she was out of the loop. 

“He’s back,” Dawn couldn’t eliminate the worry frowns even if her tone was casual. “I’m not sure what happened. He looks pretty banged up and growly.”

Buffy didn’t give any information about the assassination attempt and Giles’ latest betrayal. They all said she was in charge and yet every one of them doubted her decisions! She’d rather not hear Dawn defend this latest action or Giles, for that matter. She didn’t want to open up the can of worms that was Spike with Dawnie at all, in fact, not now. “Is he downstairs?”

“You know Spike; he always comes back.” Dawn smiled and it looked sincere. Buffy felt sad, remembering how once upon a time Dawn had been Spike’s only champion, how close the two of them had been. Thick as thieves--most likely literally, given it was the two of them. 

Dawn was right. Even facing hostility and distrust, Spike always came back. Buffy knew him well enough now to know that it wasn’t like she used to believe. He had feelings and they were hurt often. No matter how they treated him, he was still there. Knowing Dawn no longer was in his corner and wondering at the greeting he’d get from Buffy hadn’t kept him away either.

Spike was also a brick, the kind a person could build on. Strong and reliable and not going anywhere. No huff and puff blowing knock down something built with brick, Buffy remembered her fairy tales that well! Suddenly, one of the many weights pushing her down felt lighter.

As always with them, the timing was still wrong, but once the First was taken down they’d have time to take a look at things and see what his kind of brick could build to make her weird life better; his too. In an odd way, they made sense being together.

But for now she had a vamp to patch up and an apocalypse to stop. Somehow she knew she could do both and come out a winner. And as so often in the past, Spike would be right there at her side.

“He’s probably awake. Creature of the night, remember, even if we all keep him awake in the daytime.” Dawn tried for a supportive grin.

“I just want to check on him. Rough night.” Buffy hoped that Dawn would just assume they had been taking on an ubervamp or something big and smelly and leave it at that.

“Figured.” Dawn turned her head and closed her eyes. She knew Buffy was keeping the real story from her. She’d heard just enough from the girls to know that something was up. Buffy and Giles were both acting like they wanted to scream at each other too. 

She touched the band-aid on her forehead and wished they would start to remember she wasn’t some stupid kid who couldn’t handle the truth. That’s what she missed most of all about Spike. He used to treat her like an adult. Now he mostly avoided her.

 

“Buffy? Tell Spike I don’t carry matches.” Dawn got up from the table and started towards the doorway. “He’ll know what that means.”

***

The basement was dark, but Buffy had nearly worn the stairs down with all the trips up and down since Spike moved in with them. She almost turned around to leave Spike to his rest when she heard the snick of Spike’s lighter and saw the beacon flame as he lit up a cigarette. He didn’t smoke that much since he got his soul, but it had been a hard night so she wouldn’t rag on him about it.

“’M up, pet.” She heard the rustle of his bedding and blinked as he turned on the small light next to the cot.

“I wanted to see if you were okay. I didn’t bring down the first aid kit,” Buffy sounded annoyed with herself for having forgotten it.

“Nearly healed already, no worries.” Spike gave her a shy grin. “Takes more than one pissed off teacher to take me out.”

“Well that pissed off teacher isn’t gonna try anything like that again. You have my promise.” Buffy’s tone brooked no question that she meant every word. “He had no right to do what he did.”

Spike shrugged, “Some might say he had every right. Matter of opinion.”

“We’re in a war. He knows you fight at my side. Doing what he did wouldn’t bring his mother back. He shouldn’t have…well, he just shouldn’t have.”

“’S over Buffy. We live to fight another day and now I know to watch my back.”

“You shouldn’t have to do that, not with people on our own side.”

Spike was touched at the “our” she had used. At least he knew that Buffy was confident he was, always would be, on her side.

“Admit Wood could’ve picked a better time. Think I made that point though, so we cleared that right up.” Spike looked up at her and squirmed a bit. “He stop bleedin’ okay?”

“Yeah, he’ll be fine. He got lucky.” Buffy sat next to Spike on the cot. “You could easily have killed him.”

“Told you, gave him a pass.” Spike moved over to give Buffy a bit of space. It was still awkward between them. He knew she cared, her every action had screamed it, but they were still as nervous as two cats in a room full of rocking chairs around each other in their quiet moments.

“Well, he knows I’ve got your back. If he sticks around, I don’t think he’ll try anything else.”

Spike took a long pull on the cigarette and dug deep into his soul for the kind of selflessness Buffy needed from him at this point in time. “He’s a pretty decent fighter; be a big help when the big battle comes. Be best if he stayed and helped.”

Buffy looked at him and was astonished once again at how much he had changed over the years. “I suppose so. If he behaves himself, that is. If I have to worry about him going after you again, I’ll rethink that, though. You’re my best warrior.”

Spike smiled. “I overheard you tell him that back at his little shed of horrors. ‘Preciate the vote of confidence. Won’t disappoint.”

“I won’t ask you to tell me what went down. I kinda figured it out for myself with all the crosses on everywhere and how you both looked.”

“He had the music and we danced,” Spike shrugged. “Played that ditty and invited the demon to the party. Once I finally broke the trigger and got control again, I partnered up and we both did the steps,” he grinned. “Prefer dancing with you, always did.”

“Speaking of which,” Spike cleared his throat. If he were honest with himself he’d have to admit that he really, really hated having to make the suggestion he was going to make, but he had to put Buffy first this go-round. Being selfish had ruined everything the last time and he had vowed never to do that again, not with this girl. “Need every good fighter you can get for this one, pet. I’m no fan of Wood or Rupes at this point, but you do need them both and I think you know it.”

“I can’t believe Giles would go behind my back like that! He only met Robin today and then they go off and suddenly they’re all Churchill and Eisenhower planning D-Day!”

Spike smiled and Buffy felt a bit melty at the sight. “American education is lacking, luv. Was Morgan and Montgomery representin’ Mother England and they called it Operation Overlord. Though I do see a bit of resemblance between the Watcher and Winston.” 

“I guess you’d know first-hand since you’re so old,” Buffy quipped. It was nice to tease each other. She had missed the ease she once felt in Spike’s company.

“Tried to avoid most of Europe those years,” Spike gave a snort, “Too much competition for carnage.”

They both laughed and Spike delighted that Buffy could laugh at those kinds of jokes, knowing he meant nothing evil by them. Things were changing and if they both lived long enough, maybe they could come out of this in a good place for a change.

 

“I can’t trust Giles, Spike; you can’t either.”

“I don’t. Know he’d love to see me blow in the wind. He’s never pretended to want me around.”

Buffy nodded. “Even when you guys were fighting side by side it showed.”

“Well, gotta remember he knew I was sniffing around his daughter. That’s enough to put any man’s back up.”

“Yeah, well, as a father, he’s right up there with Hank,” Buffy sighed. “After this stunt, he’s lost the right to even comment on my personal life.”

Spike tilted his head. If he was reading things right, it sounded like Buffy was clearly choosing HIM over Giles! It boggled the mind and made his heart sing.

“He should have trusted my judgment more.” Buffy looked at Spike. “You two fought side by side even when I was dead, didn’t you? He should have trusted you after that, at least a bit.”

“Man doesn’t want to see you hurt again,‘s all.”

“No, it’s not that. He used to worry about me, care about me. Now I’m just the Slayer and one he doesn’t trust to lead, to decide.”

She leaned against the startled vampire and put her head on his shoulder. “Guess I’m doomed to have daddy issues, huh?”

Buffy sniffled a bit, “Guess I’m not exactly the dream daughter.”

“Hey, now! None of that. Those wankers got gold; not your fault if they can’t see it.” Spike slipped an arm around her and just held her as she fought off tears. Part of him was proud that she had turned to him and shared anything so important to her. “’Sides, Rupert loves you. If it doesn’t show, it’s his fault. Got that lip all re-stiffened over in Merry ‘Ole and needs to pull his head out of his arse, but he does love you. Who wouldn’t?”

“Giles loves his duty. I disappointed him somewhere, sometime,” Buffy sniffed. “He’s cold now. It’s like a different man from before I died. Did you know they wondered if he was the First for a while because he was so cold?”

“Who?”

“The girls, Xander, Andrew…. They physically tackled him to make sure he was solid.”

Spike laughed, “Bet he hated that! Not one for physical expressions of anything is our family Watcher. I’d say he’s preoccupied though, no colder than the average tweeded up types the Council turns out.”

“No, really, Spike…ever since I came back from the dead, he’s been different.”


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

 

“You know how I was when Giles went back to England. I was lost and angry and scared. God knows I took a lot of that out on you.”

“No worries, pet. Still all in one piece, even got an extra piece out of it, so you could say ol’ Spike is new and improved after all’s said and done.”

Buffy looked up at him and saw that, as strange as it seemed, he really did mean it. He didn’t regret the soul and hate having it the way Angel often did. “You were pretty okay before,” she whispered.

“And now even better,” he teased.

“Anyway, I was a mess and it just got worse. I didn’t even keep my best friend from trying to destroy the world! It took Xander to do that.”

“Humblin’ given the source, true.” He smirked and she smiled at his gentle jibe. His look became more somber though as he continued. “Don’t know why you think it was up to you to keep Red in check though. You had more than enough on your plate and the girl shouldn’t have needed a baby sitter. Even if she did, you weren’t the one who should have had that job. Seems to me Ripper’d be a sight better for that role. Had his own brush with magicks out of control, did that one. Shoulda seen the writin’ on the wall, ‘specially after the way she ran roughshod over all of us that summer.”

“Willow is my best friend and I couldn’t see how bad it was for her. I should have seen and said something.”

“Didn’t do Tara much good to bring it up! Willow was lookin’ for power and excitement. Liked havin’ all that control. Nothin’ you could say would’ve made much difference. The Watcher, on the other hand…well, that wanker should have paid more attention to what was brewin’ there years ago.” Spike looked her in the eye to make certain she was getting his point clearly. “If he saw the warning signs enough to mention it to you, then he knew. Maybe he didn’t know just how bad it would get, but he knew she had to be curbed. Could’ve taken Will with him to work with his Coven friends before she turned into a world threat.”

“He couldn’t have guessed…,” Buffy started to defend Giles from habit.

“He could and did. I was here that summer while you were sittin’ on a cloud bein’ all at peace and happy. She was in everyone’s head and makin’ all the plans. Loved bein’ in charge.” Spike hesitated going too much further because he really didn’t know how much Buffy was willing to talk about that terrible time. “When she brought you back,” his eyes stared into some far off unseen place. “When she brought you back… well…that kind of power isn’t meant for human hands, demon either. He knew it; it scared him. Then he buggered off and left it to you to fix along with everything else!”

“He came back in time though.” Buffy smiled as she remembered how happy she had been to see Giles stride into the Magic Box to take on a crazed and lethal Willow. “I knew when I saw him it was all going to be alright. He was back and knew how to stop her, but he wouldn’t kill her and everything would be fine.” The frown faded. “It didn’t work quite the way I expected, but it did give me the backup I needed and a confidence boost.”

Spike ducked his head and looked shamefaced. “Sorry I wasn’t there, pet. Seemed best to be gone after I’d bollocksed it up. Better either dead or fixed, or so I thought.”

Buffy hugged him. “It’s okay Spike. I do understand. I didn’t at the time. I was pretty mad that you just left. Why do you think I kept dropping by the crypt? Do you really think I developed a great love of the History Channel and Bugles with Country Time? I kept hoping you’d be there and I could beat you senseless, then we could get back to being there for each other in our own dysfunctional way. I think the longer you were gone the madder I got. I know that was true for Dawnie.”

They had missed him? After what he had done, tried to do? He had no idea how to even wrap his mind around that bit of news.

“I’m kinda glad you weren’t there, if I think about it. You’d have tried to stop Will and one of you would have died. It was better.”

She hadn’t even mentioned that he wouldn’t have gotten his soul. He was speechless.

“If Giles gives you the confidence to know you can win, then you need him now too.” Spike wasn’t too sure if HE wanted the old goat around, but Buffy seemed to take strength from him, so Rupert wasn’t going to be allowed to leave her at this stage, not if Spike had anything to do with it.

“He doesn’t, not now.” She sighed. “Just the opposite. He makes me feel like my decisions are childish or crazy or something. He second guesses me all the time. He wants me in charge but still goes around like he’s the big daddy bringing home the wayward kids for me to take care of.”

“Has turned the place into a bit of a hostel.” Spike shuddered. 

“Yeah, ever since I was brought back all he’s done has been to add more stuff he expects me to do, then he criticizes how I do it.

“It felt so great to have him back! We hugged and I caught him up on everything and we laughed and it felt good!” Buffy remembered the way she had felt then. Willow was still a major threat, yet she somehow believed it would all be okay just because Giles had come home. “Then, when it was all over, he took Willow and left again. He didn’t even stick around to make sure I was okay with his going.”

Buffy had worried that she had only been jealous that Giles had seemed to care more about rehabilitating Willow than helping her cope for a long time. Not that she begrudged Willow getting all the help she obviously needed, but why did Giles go to any length to help Willow and leave her there to do the best she could when her best was far from what it should have been?

“Geez, Hank only left me once; Giles made it an art form.” She tried to make her voice light, but Spike knew she was still hurting and that the old fears were right there just under the surface. He really wanted to lay into Rupes like he had Wood, if only for making Buffy feel that like she was less than wonderful!

“I thought he might come back, after, you know, taking Willow over to Witch Repair. He admitted that he should never have left me to begin with. Said the most adult thing to do was ask for help. I did ask for help! He left anyway. He knew the mess I’d made with him gone, Spike. I told him.”

Spike decided the best thing was to just let her talk, get it all out like some poison eating at her heart.

“I called, you know. After he left the first time and then over the summer. At first, I called to run some things by him, you know, about the imagined frost monster and all that. He couldn’t wait to get off the phone!”

“Maybe he wanted to do a bit of research,” Spike offered. “Make use of the library they had over there?”

“No, he just said I should stop looking through Xander’s comic books and use the books he had graciously left for us.” Buffy frowned. “Okay, in fairness, he didn’t put it quite that way, but mostly! He sounded like Travers when he was especially pissed that I was the Slayer, not some perfectly created one like Kendra.”

Buffy remembered the first co-slayer in history. She had liked the girl but could see how very different they were. Kendra had been trained almost from birth. She had the handbook. Buffy hadn’t even known there WAS a handbook. She also remembered that Giles was really impressed with the girl. He’d been pretty impressed with Faith too at first.

“Sorry, love, thought the other slayer’s name was Charity or Hope or some such. Who’s this Kendra bint?”

“She’s the slayer Dru killed, the one you fought before we switched it up and I dropped an organ on you.”

“Oh! Never did get her name. Kinda busy with all the flyin’ wood and musical instruments. I wasn’t too impressed.”

“Really?” Buffy sounded nearly gleeful.

“Run of the mill slayer,‘s all. Nothing special ‘bout her. The kind they turn out and replace after a short run.” Spike drew a deep breath and risked the companionable relationship they were sharing. “Think I only took on two slayers before you?” 

Buffy looked up at him with a puzzled frown. “Well, given that you’re not dust in the wind, I just thought I was supposed to be the number three special.”

“That you were, pet, up till I decided I liked dancin’ with you too much to let it end.” Spike smiled. “Met a lotta slayers over the past century. Only opponent worth takin’ on, really. Most weren’t worth the bother. Textbook moves and no imagination, no fire. Wood’s mum was like you and I loved that dance, I won’t lie, even though I probably should. Could’ve gone either way. What’s the point in fightin’ if you know you’re gonna win?”

“So you…what…just let them go?”

“Didn’t even bother. Scoped ‘em out, like I did you. Nothin’ to bother myself with, so moved on. Fought a few battles, did a dance or two and moved on to more worthy fights.”

Buffy knew she shouldn’t feel as proud as she did knowing Spike’s wanting to kill her was a compliment in a weird, totally Spike way, but she did. 

“No idea ‘bout the new one, but doubt she’s worth a toss either. Council trains it out of ‘em. Treats ‘em like a weapon, not a warrior.”

That was true enough! Now they were training the Potentials and Buffy realized that was what she and Spike had been trying to do: make them warriors, make sure they could fight and win or at least live to fight another day.

They were both quiet, lost in their own thoughts for a while. 

Spike looked back at how far he’d come, how he’d changed. How Buffy had made him not want to have another trophy, but become the man she would want at her side. As good as Nikki Wood had been, he’d never considered that an option. Wasn’t that the girl didn’t have the looks either. No, Buffy was special in every way. No one held a candle to his slayer!

Buffy thought of all the girls upstairs and how many might not survive. They were kids! Some were even younger than she had been, yet they were not going to have a chance to even come into their powers before they faced pain and death. It wasn’t fair and it wasn’t fair that it was up to her to make them into an army. And they kept on coming. The first three had been a challenge that had scared her with the weight of responsibility for keeping them alive and making Slayers out of them. Now she didn’t even know how many were draped over every possible piece of furniture and floor space in her packed house.

Giles kept leaving and coming back with more like some kind of cat hoarder!

She mumbled something that Spike didn’t get and probably wasn’t supposed to. “What’s that, pet?”

She giggled. “Pet…cats…it’s a thing. Never mind.”

He gave her that cute confused look only she seemed to put on his face.

“I didn’t see or hear from Giles except when he called to give us the information on Willow coming home. Nothing. Then suddenly he shows up on my doorstep with these strange girls and he’s acting all Watcher-y. No hugs, no ‘I’ve missed you’, no ‘hey, Buffy, think you can afford to feed and house these girls?’” She rolled her eyes. “He didn’t ask. They all just strolled in, criticized my housekeeping, dissed me as overrated and made themselves at home. Then Giles tells me it all fell to me to keep them safe and alive and somehow fight something I can’t hit.”

“So he told you all about the First then?”

“He said it had eternities to act and endless resources and that he didn’t know how to defeat it, but that it was all on me to pull it off.”

“Charming.” Spike shook his head, picturing the scene.

“He just keeps dropping them off like rescued kittens, gives me stern lectures on how very important this apocalypse is, then goes out to pick up more.” She sighed wearily. “Good thing the town’s nearly empty. We can loot the stores for food and we won’t starve. That would have re-won his approval. He brings them to me to protect and save and they all die of starvation!”

“He’s a pretty single-minded bloke, I’ll give him that.”

Buffy leaned into Spike again, subconsciously seeking comfort from his closeness. “He acted so cold, Spike. What did I ever do to make him so distant?”

“Hey, now. None of that! Problem’s his, not yours.”

“I keep driving everyone away though. In the end, it’s always like this. There’s something wrong with me as a girl, a woman…not a slayer. I’ve got that part down pretty well, even if Giles doesn’t trust my decisions.”

“That’s not so. The ones that left are weak, that’s all. Had nothing to do with anything lacking in you. What’s missin' with your old man, both of them really, and the sad excuses for boyfriends who left, are balls, Buffy. None of them willin’ to stand up and be a man, be at your side. Be what you need.”

Buffy merely blinked at him in confusion. She was so used to just accepting that something was wrong with her that the idea it might not be wasn’t making too much sense. “How is Giles ball-less?”

Spike wanted to chuckle that she hadn’t included Angel or Finn in that question. Maybe she saw their feet of clay after all.

“I saw him after you died. Fell right apart, he did. Handed over all the power to Willow; helped her skip down that dangerous path, if you think about it. Just handed it all over. Left me to deal with the Bit for the most part and you know how he feels about me! He’d help patrol, then go off to brood or drink or whatever the hell he was up to back at the Magic Box. Finally couldn’t even stand to patrol and packed up his kit and scarpered off. Left the Hellmouth to the children and a vampire he hated.”

“I guess he figured you all could handle it.”

Spike did chuckle at that. “Did it look handled when you popped back to the land of the livin'? Made a bloody mess of it, nearly gave the town over to biker demons.” He looked at her tenderly, remembering the night she returned to him. “Took a girl fresh out of the grave and in shock to put that to rights and you did it.”

Buffy didn’t remember much about that night except that she was certain she had been cast into hell like Lucifer of old.

“Ball-less Wonder came back to see if it was true, stuck around long enough to make you think you could rely on him, then left again. He was afraid if you ask me. Got you killed a couple of times already and feared he’d do it again. Couldn’t handle it and took a powder.”

“So why does he question all my decisions?”

“Doesn’t want to admit to himself that you really don’t need him, not as a Watcher and teacher anyway. Wants to tell himself he’s the brains, the adult, then he buggers off to bring home another girl.” He impulsively pulled Buffy into a brief hug. It felt wonderful holding her again if only for a moment of comfort. He was pleased that she didn’t shrink from his touch.

“I don’t know, Buffy, I only can guess why he’s actin’ like a right arse. Don’t even analyze myself, much less Rupes. I do know he wants you to win, not just because it’s his job to make sure evil doesn’t. He wants you alive. The old bugger grieved when you died. I saw it. You’d have to ask him why he’s bein’ the south end of a north-bound horse all of a sudden.”

“So I should, what? Forgive? Forget?”

Spike was tempted to tell her to toss Giles out on his ear but he knew from the memories stirred tonight in his own life how important it was to know your parent loves you. Buffy had always been stronger because of her friends and family, he’d noticed that right off. She needed to be the strongest she’d ever been now and that meant putting a bandage on this gaping wound, for now at least.

“I seem to remember something you told me about a rare bit of wisdom Giles passed on to you back in the day. Something about forgivin’ being an act of compassion that you don’t do because someone deserves it, but because they need it. That makes sense even to me. You don’t need the distraction of letting him mess with your head and heart. You don’t deserve to feel that pain either.”

Buffy nodded uncertainly. She remembered Giles saying that and making it sound so reasonable. She was still so young then, so willing to see the best in others.

“Fathers disappoint their kids often. Nothin’ new ‘bout that, not just in this shiny modern time either. They aren’t always there when needed and when they are they often say and do the wrong things. You got a double dose from the wanker who walked out on you and Joyce then Rupert. I’ve lived ages and no matter when in history, people are people, they screw up even when they try not to. Sometimes even worse when trying not to. They all do it, every last souled one of them and more than a few without souls.” He smiled gently and smoothed back a lock of Buffy’s hair that was trying to blind her.

“Maybe you don’t have the time now to figure out why Rupert is acting this way, but what you need to do is hold onto the good memories. Remember the times he’s proven that he does care, that he does respect and trust you. You can use his help now. Beat the bad guy, then sort it all after. Don’t toss the baby out with the bathwater. Save the world, then work on the issues. Decide if it’s worth puttin’ it all in the past, goin’ the full forgive--and-forget route, bein’ noble.”

“So you got a bucket of wisdom as a side order to that soul, did you?” Buffy laughed. “’Cause I’m thinkin’ those are pretty wise words, mister.”

“Live as long as I have and you can’t help but notice some things, even someone as thick headed as I can be,” he laughed.

Buffy hugged him, actually hugged him and it felt like heaven. 

“Thanks for putting me ahead of…well, you. I know it won’t be easy to be around Giles and Wood, much less fight beside them. I appreciate why you are saying what you are saying.”

“Won’t be fightin’ beside ‘em.’” He saw Buffy’s quick flash of panic and rushed to reassure her, “I’ll be fightin’ at YOUR side, ‘s a difference.”

She let out a gush of relieved air. He was staying! He always did when he knew she needed or wanted him. Even in the days when he was still with Dru and said he only wanted Buffy to make his three slayer jackpot, he stayed and helped beat Angelus. Why hadn’t she noticed how reliable he could be?

He’d protected Dawn and it nearly cost him his life. He’d tried to be one of her group, to help out even when they pushed him away. He’d tried to love her back to life when all she wanted was to fall back into her grave. He’d tried to give her a reason to want to live. He fought for a soul to do a better job of it. And then he came back! He came back and was right there at her side trying to help with words while offering to take up arms against the beast that had battered and toyed with him. He didn’t leave!

“Promise I’ve got your back, Buffy. Don’t see that Giles would ever hurt you--not on purpose, at leas--but it doesn’t matter. He won’t, I won’t let him, won’t let any of them. When we kick the First’s arse and save the day, then if you want to knock some sense into the Watcher, I’ll hold him for you and maybe get a lick or two in of my own. For now, best we just put all that on hold and work to gettin’ rid of the current Big Bad and I don’t mean me.”

“You’re right.” She saw him brighten at the compliment. “Don’t get a big head over it; you probably won’t hear me say it too often.” She laughed, taking the sting out of the comment.

“I’m not much with saying what I feel anyway, and not just earned compliments. Not really talky girl, in case you haven’t noticed. I know I’ll have to talk to Giles about all this sometime. I can’t go on being the Slayer if he’s going to second guess me for the rest of my life. For now, though, I’ll pass on the whole conversation thing and just sharpen my stakes and make my plans.” She looked at him earnestly. “More people than Giles I need to sit down and really talk to later.”

Spike looked confused. 

“I mean you and me. It’s about time we figure this whole thing out before we kill each other accidentally, you know? I’ve been picking up bricks tossed at me my whole life and using them to wall off my heart. Maybe I’m seeing that I can do something else with them instead.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Maybe I…we…can build something with them. I guess I do have at least one lesson left to learn, but it’s not Giles who can teach it. Got a feeling I might be looking at the guy.”

Then she surprised them both by gently kissing one very stupefied vampire. She had a feeling that when it was all said and done they might just build something wonderful after all. Now all they had to do was win one little apocalypse…and how hard could that be with her brick beside her?

 

~fin


End file.
